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White Van

white van
Driver type: Blokes of the more hairy variety
Mentality: Cavalier, no fear, assertive
Speed: 85+mph
Vehicle: Vans
I-spy guide: The big white van is a clue

"How's My Driving? Dial 0800 AS IF I CARE. Foolish is the man that dares to cross my 2 ton double axle path!"

Let me get this one straight - I am not about to jump on the bandwagon of sterotyping the "White Van Man". As it happens I quite like vans.

However, he is indeed portrayed as the thug on the motorway; feared by the average motorway user, agressive and unpredictable whilst constantly tailgating and supplying endless quantities of rage at all who question his authority and sanity.

Does anyone use these any more?

You may be forgiven for thinking along these lines, and I agree that the more publicised white van man does not want to be interfered with. Best let him pass by unhindered rather than have the rabid madman a foot from your bumper. I guess the key is how to spot this extra special variety. Perhaps the crooklock in his hand could be a good start?

The more normal white van man is on a working class mission. He's doing his 9-to-5 job (or perhaps his 8-to-2-cup-of-tea-every-15-minutes job) when you cross his path and it's his job to get from A to B as quickly as possible so he can get back to reading The News Of The World that's gently rustling on the dashboard. For this reason he will not suffer fools gladly, an agressive parallel to the repmobile if you like.

What's worthy of note is that more recently I have noticed a much larger proportion of white vans that have become middle lane morons. I have put this down to the new fangled burst of power that modern common rail diesel vans come equiped with. The average van is now more than capable of hurtling along at 90+ mph with a 2 ton load, and so sadly it seems that a new breed of middle laner has been born. Previously I believed the white van was one of the least likely offenders in the middle lane world, but alas I have been proven wrong. I am desperately clinging on to the hope that these vans are actually rentals being wielded foolishly by your everyday joe schmo middle laners.

As an aside, why do all builder's white vans permanently carry three blokes, with a more leathery and smaller one in the middle?



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