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Driver type:Quiet, lazy, elderly
Mentality:Stupid, gullable
Vehicle:varied, 2.4 children-mobile
I-spy guide:Never shifting lane, ever

"Tut te tum, la dee dar. Where am I? Ahhhh well. Tum tee tum tee laaaaa dee dar. Hum huuuum laaaaa dee dar....... Hmmmmm, where am I?"

You're in the sodding middle lane, 9 times out of 10. But you're not a middle laner. You're probably worse.

I'm under the impression that it's a myth a Goldfish has a 2 second memory. However there is no shadow of a doubt that the sheep motorway driver has a brain frighteningly similar to this mythical bowl-inhabiting beast.

2 second what?

Sticking with the water-based theme, perhaps this driver also adopts the squid's single giant nerve communicating its brain's thoughts to its motor functions with a 2 second reaction time. This would certainly explain the observation that the sheep driver can only ever do one thing at a time.

Maybe I should explain myself a little better. This behaviour is named after our wooly friends in the hills because it seemed most applicable at the time. Sheep are simple animals, content at following one another around the rolling hills with not a care in the world. They govern their speed and movements to allow themselves to stay together as a flock - and this is the key to spotting a sheep driver on our roads.

Their speed is as inconsistent as one's bowel movements the morning after a dodgy curry (ho ho ho). As soon as a gap appears ahead, the loud pedal is wrestled to the floor in an almighty effort to maintain a 3 foot gap to the nearest car in front that is in the same lane, no matter how far away it is. This results in a massive variation in speed that beggars belief.

It's no wonder our roads our full of middle laners with sheep on our motorways - there is no predictability in other people's speed when driving in the UK. If you dare to venture into the left hand lane you subsequently have to battle with middle lane sheep speed increases of 40mph just when you least expect it, destroying your overtaking gaps and making life hell.

Oh, don't let me forget the story on the other side of the middle lane - you can guarantee whilst overtaking a queue of sheep, a gap will usually appear in front of the leader of the pack, inducing another middle lane acceleration spurt, thus your speed will need to increase from 70mph to approximately 120mph to get past.

To clarify from my ramblings: the sheep will go flat out if the gap infront allows. As soon as the gap is closed, they travel at the speed of the car in front. You should be able to work out the consequences.

I'll stop writing this before I give myself a hernia.



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