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The Middle Laner

middle lane
Driver type: Almost everyone can apply
Mentality: Moronic
Speed: 60mph-180mph
Vehicle: All types
I-spy guide: The ones in the middle lane!

"Pah! I read in The News of the World that the inside lane¹ is for lower class people and lorry drivers. It's full of degenerates, I'm not going there. The people behind me can wait."

It's true, our society sub-conciously associates the inside lane as a lower class lane. What a joke. It's regarded as the place for slow cars - and slow cars are for poor people. Never mind that 4 vectras have just shot past you in the left lane because they're sick of waiting for you to pull over.

middle laners will be shot
Police marksmen take aim, about time too

But of course that's not the only reason. The middle lane is an easy life. You can stay there and consequently reduce your brain activity to a level similar to when you're clipping your toenails². No need to change lanes at sliproads either, no need to figure out where the indicators are. It's lazy, bone idle behaviour.

The culprits are the fat slobs of the motorway world, sweaty burger eating fast food pie thieves. There's nothing more annoying that being forced to follow a middle-laner for a while, they then pull over (hallelujah praise the tarmac-god!) but it slowly dawns on you the only reason they did so was to get off the motorway. Arrrrgh.

Have a look at the new middle lane arguments page at the classic brainless responses to middle lane behaviour.

I occasionally find myself pulling into left lane, watching faster cars overtake and then shouting at them to get into the left lane when they refuse to budge. What really boils the blood is they can't work out that it's the fact that I've just pulled over that has let them continue their journey at whatever speed they want. A concluding thought: would they be happy to follow me in the middle lane if I'd refused to pull over into the left lane at 70mph? No they wouldn't, so why should I bother to pull over if they won't return the favour for other motorists?

A variation on the middle laner can be found in the sheep and fast lane sections of this site.

So what am I supposed to do then?

It's basic etiquette really. By shunning the highway code you are slowing faster moving traffic, reducing the motorway's capacity and probably being dangerous to others. Use the inside lane when it is clear ahead, with these exceptions:

  • When overtaking slower moving vehicle(s), move back into the inside lane when it is safe to do so
  • To avoid being blocked in by a faster moving vehicle in an outer lane

Otherwise, use the left lane you cretinous urchins. A vital section of the highway code is quoted in the footer of every page on this website, for the memory-hindered among us.

middle lane artists impression
An artist's impression of a middle laner at the wheel

¹ I refer to the left hand lane as the slow lane or inside lane on this site. Some people are different and think of the inside lane as the rightmost lane. Confusing, but I thought I would state this nonetheless.
² Perhaps clipping toenails is too generous - it requires dexterity of sorts